Underground- I am the subway samurai.
Catching the subway without a map is like riding a bicycle without hands..impressive but without practiced skill- potentially dangerous. I was here for less than a week before I was sub surfing without hands *pats self on back*
But that’s as good as it gets.. because..as soon as you surface to ground level..when you emerge from the grimy depths, rise from the rat ruled underworld..into the hustle and bustle of busy New York streets, with the lights and sounds and smells and people and snow and and and.. you have a 50% chance. One of two options. Like the flip of a coin, hit or a miss, sink or swim, roulette - black or red.
See.. Getting to the “area” I wanna be is the easy part..but when given the 50-50 option of left or right when I get out the subway.. its Fifty. Percent. Chance.
and I get it wrong 100% of the time.
AND it usually takes me a block or two to figure this out.
So.. This is how I do it.
Upon surfacing..I look to the sky for some familiar landmarks. I have no mountain..so a building will do the trick. otherwise by judging the direction in which the traffic is flowing should you emerge on an avenue.. this will also “work”
then I make an “educated” decision about which direction I am currently facing, in which direction is my destination, and in which direction I should walk to get there.
and with my educated guess I STILL GET IT WRONG. 100% of the time.
start with plan A.. make an educated guess. decide where I am.. decide in which direction I am facing.. decide where I am going..decide how to get there and then (and here is where the plan “b” comes in..)
GO THE OTHER WAY.
luck Fate would have it. I still get it wrong. EVERY TIME.
I have also made a list for those concerned.. of all the ways I have managed to get lost in the city.
1. educated directional guesses
2. take the wrong train.
3. take the right train, in the wrong direction.
4. commute drunk
5. blog on train (and miss your stop)
6. mistake franklin street for franklin avenue
7. “ooo whats that?!” *curiosity often leads me into a shop, which leads me onto a new street which leads me into “just one more shop” which leads me onto another new street.. and 3 “ooo whats that?!“‘s later.. and you’re lost.
8. thinking “ah lets walk…its only two blocks east and two blocks south.. I’m sure I’ll find it”
9. upside down maps *see #4
10.ask a chinese person for directions. *day wool git you velly velly lost.
I’m having more fun in the snow than any other 24 y/old kid in this city! snowmen, sledding, snow angels, snow fights (I came off second best to a snow blower) and generally skipping and slipping my way through the fluffy white streets
#Kellyn vs. ice.
My first time navigating my way through the streets of my new neighbourhood, I found myself tackling knee deep snow, crossing icy streets and generally negotiating every step like a stoned tightrope walker.
I was doing well. Was.
I met with ice and got dumped. Bad.
I was wearing a super heavy and obnoxiously big “look-at-me-I’m-a-tourist” backpack. Which anchored me in the snow, on my back.. like a flailing turtle.
I had to roll over into more snow and push myself up to get out of that. Covered in snow. Cold. Did I have gloves? Yes. Was I wearing them? No. That would just be convenient wouldn’t it. #fail.
Not my finest or most graceful moment. However.. an image that will make me laugh randomly for many many nostalgic moments to come.
Ice 1 – Kellyn 0
#kellyn vs snow
For those of you who remember that super gross pic I put up of my foot when I tore all the ligaments in my ankle… (no? oh well HERE it is)
Yes.. that wasn’t too long ago. Long enough to forget when I’m less than sober.. but not long enough to have complete function of my ankle back. For instance I still can’t rock climb, tap dance, take penalty kicks or ah..”walk” properly.
But who remembers this after [i-lost-count-of-how-many] #southernredbulls.
I was playing in the road. Drawing
phallic um.. ‘funny’ pictures in the snow with my feet. Prancing and generally being very very silly. I saw little mounds of snow that needed to be pounced upon. Little snow mountains that needed to be brought down with my bend-it-like-beckham abilities (can you see where this is going?)
I took a 2 step run up, and with all my drunken strength, kicked the mini Everest of
doom snow that had formed on what I thought was the road. I was wrong. It turned out to be the curb. And yes. I kicked it. The curb. With my injured foot.
This was like 2 weeks ago. Its still swollen
Just so we’re all on the same facebook page.
This is poke etiquette 101 according to Kellyn. Kellyn who? Oh. Her.
You may not poke someone you do not know. we all understand that this is the easiest and most uncreative way to initiate contact, but it has been used and exhausted and is now considered lame.
If poked by an unknown poker, the pokee is not obligated to return aforementioned poke.
There is a waiting poke period of 24 hours in which to return a poke. You cannot poke someone who has poked you in the same day/ within the 24 hour waiting poke period.
Back in the winter of 2008, a poke was returned within the same hour and the initial poker then felt obliged to poke the pokee back. Neither poker or pokee prepared to cease the poke activity in fear of disrespecting the other, so they continued and are still poking each other to this day. And Hence the 24 poke period was imposed.
Poke bombing is not only rude but incredibly annoying. For more about poke bombing please see notes at the bottom of this article.
It is within the right of the pokee to not return a poke to the poker if the poker is a relative of the pokee. Warning: a sympathy poke might be misconstrude as a promise of future pokes to be returned. poke at own risk.
Superpokes are no longer cute.
The amount of time in which a poke may go uncountered, is directly proportional to the shortest amount of time the pokee has responded to the poker’s poke in the past. For example. If poker pokes pokee and the pokee responds with a counter poke in 2 days, that pokee may not wait longer than 2 days in future to poke back.
Unless said poker has been offline. Please see offline rules below.
The offline rule: all uncountered pokes are forgiveable if the pokee has clearly not been online for a time. However, it is then up to the pokee to counter all pokes upon return excluding pokes from family.
*poke bombs* usually an organized syndicate which instigates a mass poke attack on one person by a group of people.
So like, I’m not saying what Dewani did was ok. I mean.. who “offs their wife” on their honeymoon? But like.. if she was anything like my ex.. I’m just saying.. “I understand”
Cos lets face it, Dewani is not the first guy to ever want to “off his wife”.
We’ve all thought about it one point or another. and we all usually get to “but what would i do with the body?” part and retire our scheme.
however.. considering the gaping hole in the “off your wife” market..i have been inspired to start my own dewani safari “off your wife” tour packages
There is the ever popular “big 5 hunting accident” safari. Cos shit happens.
Or for the more cultured, the “cheese wine and arsenic tasting tour” includes whale watching.
For the more adventurous homicide, there is the “who locked the shark cage?diving” experience
And there is even the budget “oops I forgot to pack the malaria tablets” camping tour.
all packages are suitable for wives, cheating husbands, annoying mother in laws. And even half price deals for brat children.
Terms and conditions apply.